This has been a long week.
For those of you who don't know, I struggle with depression. It has really gotten the best of me this week. I think it's been coming for some time, but this week was a culmination of a few weeks of niggling episodes.
Many people think that depression is a state of mind. I disagree. If it was, I'd never be depressed. I have a job that I actually like, I own a business, I have two great kids and a husband to die for. I live on a gorgeous farm, I have an amazing, supportive, extended family. I have sincerely wonderful friends and tons of rewarding activities in my life. Believe me, I don't have a THING to be depressed about. This is the reason that I firmly believe that depression is a biochemical process not unlike hypertension, diabetes, or other medical issues.
Certainly, it does seem that my depression is worse when weather changes, or when I stop exercising, or when my diet gets bad again. The latter, though, I haven't quite figured out if they are a symptom or a cause.
When I'm in a depressed state, I have much shorter patience. I know that this affects my family, and that absolutely kills me. Of course, that makes me feel worse, and then things will spiral out of control. Often, I end up sleeping a lot more, or reading a lot more - anything to close myself off from everyone. It's all I can do to go to work and try to help others with their myriad of medical and psychiatric issues. When I'm in my episodes, I just can't do much more when I get home.
It's during these times that my various activities tend to fall apart as well. I forget to plan or plan for meetings, classes, practices - or I forget them altogether. I forget to pay bills, and my checking account goes haywire. I don't straighten up the house. I forget to help the kids with homework, and I don't read or sing to them at night because I'm usually in bed before they are. I feel like I can't see colors during these times. Everything is varying shades of gray. I don't realize that I'm seeing like that until I finally "snap out of it." It's become so common that now when I think something looks really beautiful and colorful, I automatically think to myself, "Hmm...have I been depressed?" I usually don't know when it's really bad.
This is not a new problem for me. Anxiety and depression are closely linked. Both relate to low levels of serotonin, melatonin, and norepinepherine in the brain. I distinctly remember being 4-5 years old and not being able to sleep at night because I was afraid the Russians were going to attack us. My mother wouldn't let me watch the news or the movie, The Day After, because she new I wouldn't be able to sleep. I watched a show about Nostradamus in high school, and afterwards had the first real "panic attack" that I can recall. We didn't know at the time what it was, and I was often treated for asthma. I was in the shower, and all of a sudden couldn't breathe. I went to my parent's room and turned on their ceiling fan, laid on the bed gasping for air and trying to calm down. It was the first of many of those attacks. Funny, they would give me prednisone. Um, that didn't help.
As I've aged, the anxiety continues, but it is under much better control with medication. Still, I have moments when Phil is late from work, or the kids haven't called when they were supposed to, that I go into full panic mode. I can't think, "Oh, he's just running late." Instead, my mind makes up scenarios that are so abhorrent that I can't even blog about them. By the time he gets home, I'm screaming at him for not calling - not because I really care if he called or not, but because I've spent the last 20 minutes convinced he's dead in a ditch from a gunshot wound from a deranged ex-patient. Really. Over the years, Phil has come to understand this about me and does not often let me go very long without knowing that he's OK. It makes he love him all the more that he accepts that about me and goes to lengths to make sure that I don't get too worked up.
My kids, though, also suffer through all of this. Emma and I have had very frank discussions about my depression. I try not to blame any of my actions on it. I've told Emma time and time again that everyone has something, and it's no excuse for anything. We all have the ability to rise above our "somethings" and make better people of ourselves. I've explained to her that although I try to keep it all in check, sometimes it gets the better of me, and I just have to work through it. She seems to understand. Unfortunately, for her, it seems to have travelled down our family tree right into her lap as well. I think she understands because she deals with it as well.
Emma is 10, and she, also, has been unable to sleep since she was about 6 because of "bad thoughts". Her fingernails are bitten to the quick, and she twitches a lot. She has pretty wild mood swings, too. People tell me it's because she's a girl, and that's true to an extent, but it's more than that. She cries sometimes or gets really angry, and she can't figure out why. Also, unfortunately for Emma, she has to contend with major blood sugar swings as well as hormones and genetics. It's gonna be a long 10 years for all of us, I think. :-)
Lee is such a happy - go - lucky kid, that he really doesn't seem to be much affected by all of this. He just continues to go on smiling. I'm not sure where he gets his persona from. Phil is more reserved, and also struggles with depression somewhat, so the happy kid that Lee is is just a blessing, I guess! He does get pretty angry when he gets angry, but that's not very often.
I take my 5,000 units of vitamin D, my PMS vitamins, my Effexor, and a slew of other supplements on a daily basis. I try to rely on my husband and my amazing children to see me through these episodes. I pray sometimes about it. I've tried counseling, but it's very difficult for a medical professional to see another medical professional, and as I've said, I don't really have any issues to discuss that I know of - just a chemical imbalance. I do what I can to pull myself out of it so that my family doesn't have to deal with me like that for any longer than needed. So, if you know me, and you come across me sometime either as your doctor or as your friend, and I'm not putting myself out there for you like I normally do, don't take it personally. Remember, even doctors have something. My something is depression and sometimes it gets the best of me. Most of the time, I'm just happy Mindy. I guess we can all live with that.
Dr. Mindy
For those of you who don't know, I struggle with depression. It has really gotten the best of me this week. I think it's been coming for some time, but this week was a culmination of a few weeks of niggling episodes.
Many people think that depression is a state of mind. I disagree. If it was, I'd never be depressed. I have a job that I actually like, I own a business, I have two great kids and a husband to die for. I live on a gorgeous farm, I have an amazing, supportive, extended family. I have sincerely wonderful friends and tons of rewarding activities in my life. Believe me, I don't have a THING to be depressed about. This is the reason that I firmly believe that depression is a biochemical process not unlike hypertension, diabetes, or other medical issues.
Certainly, it does seem that my depression is worse when weather changes, or when I stop exercising, or when my diet gets bad again. The latter, though, I haven't quite figured out if they are a symptom or a cause.
When I'm in a depressed state, I have much shorter patience. I know that this affects my family, and that absolutely kills me. Of course, that makes me feel worse, and then things will spiral out of control. Often, I end up sleeping a lot more, or reading a lot more - anything to close myself off from everyone. It's all I can do to go to work and try to help others with their myriad of medical and psychiatric issues. When I'm in my episodes, I just can't do much more when I get home.
It's during these times that my various activities tend to fall apart as well. I forget to plan or plan for meetings, classes, practices - or I forget them altogether. I forget to pay bills, and my checking account goes haywire. I don't straighten up the house. I forget to help the kids with homework, and I don't read or sing to them at night because I'm usually in bed before they are. I feel like I can't see colors during these times. Everything is varying shades of gray. I don't realize that I'm seeing like that until I finally "snap out of it." It's become so common that now when I think something looks really beautiful and colorful, I automatically think to myself, "Hmm...have I been depressed?" I usually don't know when it's really bad.
This is not a new problem for me. Anxiety and depression are closely linked. Both relate to low levels of serotonin, melatonin, and norepinepherine in the brain. I distinctly remember being 4-5 years old and not being able to sleep at night because I was afraid the Russians were going to attack us. My mother wouldn't let me watch the news or the movie, The Day After, because she new I wouldn't be able to sleep. I watched a show about Nostradamus in high school, and afterwards had the first real "panic attack" that I can recall. We didn't know at the time what it was, and I was often treated for asthma. I was in the shower, and all of a sudden couldn't breathe. I went to my parent's room and turned on their ceiling fan, laid on the bed gasping for air and trying to calm down. It was the first of many of those attacks. Funny, they would give me prednisone. Um, that didn't help.
As I've aged, the anxiety continues, but it is under much better control with medication. Still, I have moments when Phil is late from work, or the kids haven't called when they were supposed to, that I go into full panic mode. I can't think, "Oh, he's just running late." Instead, my mind makes up scenarios that are so abhorrent that I can't even blog about them. By the time he gets home, I'm screaming at him for not calling - not because I really care if he called or not, but because I've spent the last 20 minutes convinced he's dead in a ditch from a gunshot wound from a deranged ex-patient. Really. Over the years, Phil has come to understand this about me and does not often let me go very long without knowing that he's OK. It makes he love him all the more that he accepts that about me and goes to lengths to make sure that I don't get too worked up.
My kids, though, also suffer through all of this. Emma and I have had very frank discussions about my depression. I try not to blame any of my actions on it. I've told Emma time and time again that everyone has something, and it's no excuse for anything. We all have the ability to rise above our "somethings" and make better people of ourselves. I've explained to her that although I try to keep it all in check, sometimes it gets the better of me, and I just have to work through it. She seems to understand. Unfortunately, for her, it seems to have travelled down our family tree right into her lap as well. I think she understands because she deals with it as well.
Emma is 10, and she, also, has been unable to sleep since she was about 6 because of "bad thoughts". Her fingernails are bitten to the quick, and she twitches a lot. She has pretty wild mood swings, too. People tell me it's because she's a girl, and that's true to an extent, but it's more than that. She cries sometimes or gets really angry, and she can't figure out why. Also, unfortunately for Emma, she has to contend with major blood sugar swings as well as hormones and genetics. It's gonna be a long 10 years for all of us, I think. :-)
Lee is such a happy - go - lucky kid, that he really doesn't seem to be much affected by all of this. He just continues to go on smiling. I'm not sure where he gets his persona from. Phil is more reserved, and also struggles with depression somewhat, so the happy kid that Lee is is just a blessing, I guess! He does get pretty angry when he gets angry, but that's not very often.
I take my 5,000 units of vitamin D, my PMS vitamins, my Effexor, and a slew of other supplements on a daily basis. I try to rely on my husband and my amazing children to see me through these episodes. I pray sometimes about it. I've tried counseling, but it's very difficult for a medical professional to see another medical professional, and as I've said, I don't really have any issues to discuss that I know of - just a chemical imbalance. I do what I can to pull myself out of it so that my family doesn't have to deal with me like that for any longer than needed. So, if you know me, and you come across me sometime either as your doctor or as your friend, and I'm not putting myself out there for you like I normally do, don't take it personally. Remember, even doctors have something. My something is depression and sometimes it gets the best of me. Most of the time, I'm just happy Mindy. I guess we can all live with that.
Dr. Mindy
Does the vitamin D have an effect on depression? I'm always looking for something that will help.
ReplyDeleteMindy, your random thoughts about depression really hit home. My daughter has struggled with depression for the majority of her life, she is 18 now and at first being pre-teen we chalked it up to her hormones changing, then being a teenager and so on...but I've come to realize that she is depressed and it is a chemical imbalance. It makes me sad that she deals with it and I can't help her...I feel for you, and I enjoy reading your blogs that Phil posts the link too... Michele
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone who is sharing their stories here and with messages to me. @anonymous, yes, vitamin d does help, but make sure to have levels checked 1st as there is such thing as vitamin d toxicity. Many doctors say 32 is acceptable level, but really, optimal level is 80-100. 5000 units of liquid from a reputable source(not wal mart) is appropriate if your levels are low.
ReplyDeleteI am in the same situation--anxiety, depression. Used to pull my hair out as a kid, have callouses on my thumbs from digging my finger nail into it. Have been on various meds for 7 yrs. Sometimes good, sometimes not. Like u, great job, family etc. But often just want to shut down. Rarely am truly happy--always thinking about something other than what I am doing, instead of living in the moment. Have done therapy. Helped identifying some things, but no epiphanies. Haven't tried the Vit D. Thanks for your post. You certainly aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you Dr. Mindy. It's hard going through life thinking you are the only one who has feelings of depression-disaster-chaos.It helps me to know I'm not alone. You are so very "special" to us...
ReplyDeleteMindy, love love your blogs! I use to be intimidated by doctors and specialists. sometimes they made me feel "stupid", using those BIG 'ole medical terms (even though i have my BSN degree).
ReplyDeleteBeing a patient with a medical background is hard.
However, you and Phil inspire me to keep on trucking & explain my medical issues in terms that i can understand. I am forever greatful for your care & expertise. I also, love the fact that you offer natural remedies opposed to going straight to prescription medicines. I understand that RX meds r deemed necessary for conditions and diseases. You seem to have a holistic and preventive structure to your alls practice. and i love it. BTW, we are only human....sometimes i wish i could twitch my nose and make everything better for everyone around me and myself.
You are loved <3
I continue to be moved by candor of your blog posts. I am a big fan. I am too much of a coward to publicly admit to suffering with anxiety or depression. I have been on SNRIs a couple times but managed to come back off of them. I have found the best way to deal with "stress" is frequent, vigorous exercise-it works for me. The other by-products of exercise have been being able to decrease my blood pressure meds and control my weight. I have recently been sidelined by an injury and it has really reinforced the importance of exercise in controlling my mood.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work.
could a blue light work?
ReplyDelete