Life, death, and everything in between.

This has been a difficult week.

The father of one of my very best friends is terminally ill.  It has been a week of struggle and sadness for her and her family.  I love these people, and it pains me to see them hurting.  The father is a really cool guy who I wish I could have gotten to know better over the years.  Hindsight.... 

This week, in general, though, has been a slew of cancer diagnoses for my patients.   I have seen more new diagnoses this week and more end stage people than I care to think about.  Maybe not, maybe it is just standing out because of what is going on outside of my job, but I don't really think so.

I've had "that talk" several times this week.  I had a man who's wife died a couple of months ago who just wants to go.  He's ill, but not dying.  He sat in my office and basically pleaded with me that he's ready.  He said he's made his peace, he's hurting, he's suffocating from lung disease, and he's tired.  Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do for him except watch him wish he could just get taken.  I don't believe in assisted suicide.  I'm sorry.  I'd love to see people be able to stop their pain, but I believe that my job is to ease them gently into death, not push them headlong into it.  I want to make my patients as comfortable as possible by whatever means necessary, but I don't believe in killing them.  It's a hopeless situation no matter how you look at it.  Although I'm not a particularly religious person, I do believe in God and believe that it's his/her decision to take a person, not mine.  But then again, I look at this man's suffering and wish there was something else I could offer. 

I think that is another thing that upsets me when my friends and family are in this situation.  As I've mentioned before in my blog, as a doctor (and more so probably as a mother), I want to fix people.  I became a doctor to heal.  When I can't it's frustrating.  I know that I can't fix everything, but it doesn't make it any easier to look into the face of my friend's father and know that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to fix this. 

The same is true for my own father.  Don't get me wrong, I would not even think to put what that man and his family are going through on the same page as what we are going through.  Still, though, Dad has a chronic autoimmune disorder called Myasthenia Gravis.  It affects his muscles.  It makes it hard for him to talk, swallow, walk, lift, etc.   He has good weeks and bad.  He's now reacting to the only treatment that he responded to, and he may not be able to take it anymore.  I look at him when he's feeling bad and feel like, "Why the hell can't I fix this?"  I'm forever reading and trying to find new things to help.  This is another reason why I'm doing to alternative medicine route.  So many maladies exist that we as doctors have no clue how to treat.  I'm trying my hardest to find something to help him. 

So, back to the clinic....

I had another patient this week who has lung cancer.  She continues to smoke, and I honestly agree with her.  Why not?  She's opted not to treat her cancer because she doesn't think she'll be able to tolerate chemo, and that's likely.  I asked her if she's ready for what is coming, and she said she cries a lot.  I asked her if she was religious, and she said no, but that she believes in God.  I asked her if she's made her peace with him, and she said that she hasn't because she doesn't deserve him.  That was a tough one.  I talked to her for a while, and gave her all kinds of reasons why I believe that's not true, but I know that down deep inside she isn't going to accept otherwise, and that's another think I can't fix.  Not in the time I have with her, anyhow. 

Another patient who is also someone who I hold dear had her annual mammogram and was found to have a mass.  Another one has ovarian cancer that is newly diagnosed.

It just seems like it's all hitting at once this week, and I wish I could fix them. 

I don't put this out there for pats on the back.  I know I'm doing everything I can do, I just wish that there was more to offer.  I wish I could take the pain away from my friend and her family.  I wish that there was a way to humanely allow people who are terminal to "Go gently into that good night".  I wish that when people found out that they were terminal, that there was a way to take away all their cares and worries and make their last weeks the best that they've ever experienced so that all that they had left was beauty and wonder when they crossed over.

More that that, I wish we never had to lose loved ones.  I am SO very lucky.  Both my parents are living.  My brother is living.  My grandparents on my dad's side are living, and my grandmother on my mom's side is living.  I even knew my great grandparents, and one of them met my daughter.  I'm blessed.  I don't even know what I'd do without them.  I don't know what my friend is going to do.  I have another friend that lost her little brother recently.  I don't know how people find the strength to go on in situations like that.

I have a memory of my dad that will always stick with me - it may seem petty, but it is one of the strongest I've seen him, oddly.  Maybe this is how I'm going to do it when I have to....

I was in high school and had just broken up with my boyfriend of two years.  I was crying hysterically, and no matter what dad did or said, I just couldn't stop crying.  I remember I was sitting at the bar in the kitchen and had my head down sobbing.  He went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, got out some eggs, milk, and cheese, and proceeded to make me an omelet.  (I think that was all he knew how to cook)  He set the omelet in front of me and just stood there looking at me.  He didn't say a word, but handed me the fork.  I stopped crying a little and started to eat, slowly.  By the end of the omelet, I'd calmed down enough to move and breathe a little.  It was one of the most remarkable memories I have just because it was so simple. 

It is little, and it's not the death of a loved one, but that simple act kind of put everything in perspective for me. 

I hope that my friend and my patients and their families can find a person to make that omelet for them.  I hope that I can have something to do with their ability to get through it.  And, I hope that slowly, one bite at a time, people go back to the every day things and can go on with their lives. 

Overextending

So, here's a list of what I'm doing lately:
1.  Asst leader for the girl scout troop
2.  U-8 soccer coach
3.  Den leader (moving into the position of pack leader) for the cub scout pack.
4.  Sunday school teacher for 8th and 9th graders.
5.  YMCA board of directors
6.  Seneca soccer board of directors

Did I mention full time doctor, mother, and wife? 

I had a bit of a breakdown last night and told Phil that it was too much.  I believe that I have overextended (again).  I know what I have to do, and I'm going to do it - the problem is figuring out where to cut back.  Ultimately, I do these extra-curricular activities so that I can spend time with the kids or give the kids better opportunities.  I guess where I need to thin out is those things that take time away from the kids rather than allowing me to spend time with them.
When you work full time, you feel guilty for every minute not spent with the children when you're not working.  At least I do.  I feel like my time is limited with them as it is, and the last thing I want to do is spend more time away.  Much of my "home" time, as it is, is spent paying bills, balancing the checkbook, straightening the house, mowing the lawn, and trying to keep everything in order. 

So, this all gets to my bigger point.  I've been really bad on the medifast lately.  I've been doing great during the day, but having wine at night- which leads to cheese, crackers, popcorn, etc.  I also have been so stressed that I'm too tired at night to do any sort of activity.  I keep saying that when I change my hours in June, it's going to get better, but I realized that the knowledge of more home time made me less likely to say no to people who were asking.  So, now I've got myself overextended, and it's not good for my health.

I decided this week to stop.  I have gotten back full swing on medifast.  I made another incredible meal last night - spaghetti squash covered with ground beef and some sweet peppers in tomato base that a patient had made for us.  I souped it up with a little basil and lots of garlic - mixed it together.  It was wonderful!  Monday, we slow cooked a pig leg with Mexican seasoning.  We ate it with spinach and some (a little) mustard bbq sauce.  I am trying to work in a walk during the day sometime - whether it's at lunch or right after work.  It didn't happen Tuesday, but it did today.  I'm also trying to not drink wine at night for a while until I get my diet and my stress back on track. 

I have made some decisions about cutting back as well.  The only one that I've told is the church.  I don't enjoy teaching Sunday School, and I am not spending time with my kids during that time, so it is not something I want to do.  I could use that time to go grocery shopping while my kids are in class, so that I don't have to do it when I could be spending time with them.  (I could take them with me, and often do, but that usually decompensates into badness - "No, no, no, no, OMG, I'm going to strangle you, no, no, no...")  I really need to concentrate on my health so that I can be there for everyone who is depending on me, and this is my first step.

I have lost 30 lbs, but still need to lose 30 more, and I need to get my head on straight to do that.

For those of you that are wondering where Phil is during all of this, he's here.  He's great at doing anything I ask of him, but he's busy too.  He works more hours "doctoring" than I do.  He also works on the farm, helps with the house, helps with the kids, coaches soccer, and coaches wrestling.  I can't say anything negative about him - he's great! 

I'm not putting this out there to whine.  I'm putting this out there because I know a lot of women are trying to balance home, work, health, and weight loss, too.  We're all doing the same thing and trying to slog through it.  It's freaking hard, and even though my job is to teach people how to do this, I fail, too.  I make bad decisions and I allow my life to get the better of me.  BUT, I'm also here to say that it doesn't have to be like that.  I am going to make the changes I need to over and over again if that is what it takes.  I am looking forward to getting some newer, sexier clothes when I lose my weight.  I'm also looking forward to having nicer legs (from exercise) and more energy. 

I hope that it is helpful for some people to read about my struggles with health, overextension, weight, and life.  It certainly helps me to write about it! :-)

Dr. Mindy

things we'll always remember

OK, I admit, I've gotten away from the healthy dieting thread.  There is a method to my madness.  I'll get back to you on what that method is.  :-)

Today, I was in the car with Emma, her friend Sofia, Lee, and his friend, Max.  We were driving home from a soccer game that I coached along with a great assistant coach.  The kids were high on game endorphins and talking nonstop.

Emma and Sofia were telling me about their adventures during Lee's game.  We were in a small town in WV, and the field borders a small stream and a large mountain.  The girls went exploring when we were playing, and they were full of stories of why they were wet up to their knees, how Emma saved Sofia's life, and how Sofia saved Emma's life.  They also found many mystical creatures and endangered species while they were exploring.  Sofia suggested that they write down the stories of the cool adventures that they have had together and call it the "Best Friends Scrapbook."  I was grinning from ear to ear.

I told the kids that these are the things that they'll always remember.  Being on the soccer team with their best friends.  Exploring the woods with their best friends.  Emma and another really close friend were exploring the woods about 4 years ago, and they both found a creek.  They were 6 and wanted to go in, so we just let them take their clothes off and play.  They had a blast, and now, 4 years later, they are still talking about it and remembering it fondly.

It got me remembering some of my fonder memories from childhood, and I thought I'd share.

I remember living on Halley Street in Erie, PA, when I was less than 5 years old.  We lived across an alley from an ice cream place.  The alley was paved in asphalt shingles, and in the summer, they got really hot and squishy.  I sooo remember the smell of the tar combined with the smell of the fresh cones and ice cream from the shop.  I remember that on VERY special occasions, my parents would let me go there and get ice cream.  I would get vanilla with those sweet nut crunchy things on top.  I'll never taste anything so good, I don't think, as long as I live.

I remember living on Station Road in Erie, PA.  One great memory was staging a play - The Fox and the Grapes- with my brother and some friends of ours, the Laroux's.  We invited the entire neighborhood and they all came.  We charged 25 cents or something, and put on a great production.  It was one of the few times that my brother and I worked together without trying to kill each other!  Also, at that address, I remember laying in the back of my father's old pick up truck and staring at the sky.  I was convinced that I was staring at Aurora Boorealis (sp?)  I also remember walking with my brother and my best friend, Jill in the woods behind that house.  We heard a really loud, horrible noise.  We thought it was a bear.  We started running really hard out of the forest.  I tripped and fell, and Timmy picked me up and kept running.  Jill was 2 years older than me, so she could run faster.  Turns out, it was a wreck on the interstate near us, but is sure sounded like a bear!

I remember travelling back East with my family when I was 12 or so.  We went to Ohio for a family reunion with my mother's family.  My cousin, Matt, and I got to know each other a lot better on that vacation.  Mostly, I remember walking with Matt through the forest around his house.  We found all kinds of cool vegetation and fauna.  I wasn't used to the lush forest environment - growing up in Texas - it was WAY cool.

I remember so much from my life in Texas.   I had great friends and great times.  I loved laying in my brother's pick up truck and staring at the stars.  NOTHING is as beautiful as the night sky in Texas.  As I got older, I loved sharing that with my boyfriend at the time. (I didn't have a lot of boyfriends, mind you.  I was really a one guy girl.)   It was so very peaceful.  I would often go out there and write poetry.  (Yes, I was THAT girl)  I also loved going to lake Amistad with my friends - especially Ramon (who is now deceased, and missed every day).  We would take a half 55 gallon barrel, put a grate on it, cook fajitas, and drink beer.  We had so many great nights at the lake doing that.

College was a blur of some of the most wonderful times of my life.  Many of those wonderful memories surround the Delta Tau Delta (Phil's frat) house and the brothers there.  I couldn't even begin to list the wonderful memories I have from then.  I will, however, relay the best one.  Phil and I had been dating for about a year.  We used to sneak out the window in the bathroom of the restroom on the top floor and sit on the roof together.  (Lots of people did).  From there, we had a great view of the campus and McDonough field where they would have concerts and such.  One night, we were out there by ourselves - again, looking at the stars - sitting on a cheap lounge chair.  Phil had his arms around me, and he'd been quiet for a while.  He finally said, "You know what?  I think I love you."  I said, "I think I love you too."  He kissed me, and we've been blissfully happy ever since.  Of all my wonderful memories from college, this is still the best.

I have so many more stories to tell about our marriage, kids, life in general.  These are just some of them that stood out when I was telling my kids to enjoy this time with their friends - these are the things we'll always remember.

Dr. Mindy